Four Flights and a Wedding, Take 2

We arrived in the Singapore airport around 12:30 am, tired yet so deprived of sleep that my circadian rhythm was virtually a tabulsa rasa; that is, I could have fit into any time zone I wanted (I can't sleep on planes). The airport thoroughly confirmed what I had heard about the country: Though largely empty, it was clean, modern, and would have made an enviable shopping experience, had the stores been open (I hear it even has a swimming pool available to departing passengers). Alas, it wasn’t, and we hopped in a cab to Karen’s house, located in Bukoh Timah (or something like that), what she called a “suburb” of the city.

For those who aren’t familiar with Singapore, the entire country is one huge city, situated on the very tip of the peninsular country of Malaysia. Originally, they were one country, but racial politics was a large factor in a relatively recent split. According to Karen, Malaysia was concerned about the plight of its Malay population, which was being dominated by immigrants from the more powerful China and India (writing this right after having arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I can testify to these countries’ very evident influence in the country—just check out the restaurants at the airport). To compensate, therefore, the Malaysian government enacted policies designed to benefit the Malay, simultaneously alienating the Chinese population and angering the people of Singapore, who refused to obey the policies. So, Karen told us, Malaysia kicked Singapore out, and Singapore became a haven for Malaysia’s Chinese population. It is now an independent country, flourishing economically, but well-controlled by a government so regulated that Singapore famously bans chewing gum (lest the discarded gum end up dirtying its streets).

This racial diversity is clearly seen in Singapore’s famous “hawker markets.” Just think of a food court in an American mall, but with many more stalls, many more dining options, much cheaper prices, and no air conditioning in a covered building open to the air. Then add signs with very little English, bowls filled with noodles from which prawn heads appear, and more smells than your nose can possibly differentiate. Then you’re getting close to a hawker market. Karen directed us to several of these before all the wedding festivities began. The first, Newton Market, was a large circular courtyard, lined with stalls selling carrot cake (some sort of meat cooked with turnip pieces), kang kong (a kind of vegetable partway between spinach and lemongrass, known as “water spinach” in English), stingray served in banana leaves, and the Singaporean classic, “chicken rice.” Our group of Princeton friends ordered a variety of dishes and offered each other bites. I ordered the chicken rice and kang kong, and while I loved the latter, I must say I was rather unimpressed with the former. The chicken is itself rather bland, but is supposed to be served with really flavorful rice and chili sauce to enhance the taste. I must say, Singapore has taught me the beauty of chili sauce—our American imitations just don’t do it justice—but my rice didn’t quite measure up to my expectations. I was told that this sometimes happens, but that over time one comes to crave the simplicity of chicken and carbs.

Besides eat (evidently the main tourist occupation in Singapore), we also awaited the festivities by participating in the colonialist experience. Or at least, it seemed like it. The Raffles Hotel is famous in Singapore for its “Singapore Sling,” a cocktail composed of multiple kinds of fruit juices. But not only is it really expensive ($28 for a single drink halfway filled with ice!), it’s also located in a bar so reminiscent of colonial Britain that it actually made me uncomfortable. The building is a beautiful white outside, with beautiful dark (teak?)wood inside, lending a dark elegance to a circular staircase, close-knit tables, and a long bar decorated with faux European masterpieces behind. Mechanized leaf-shaped fans circulated air over patrons sipped fancy drinks in linen clothing, who lounged at the tables or in leather armchairs.

The thing about these aforesaid patrons, though: all white. After having spent a few days rubbing shoulders with the locals, suddenly we were surrounded by the height of European colonial decadence, symbolized by the people themselves; I almost expected Rudyard Kipling to get up from one of the armchairs. I was already starting to feel a bit uncomfortable, and then I saw our waiter: Indian! Here was Mowgli serving the memsahibs in the local tourist trap, treating us like George Orwell’s British colonial soldiers in Burmese Days. The picture was so complete I actually began to laugh.  I could hardly believe such an explicit colonial evocation existed, particularly in a place like Singapore, otherwise so modern and cutting-edge!

I mean, just take the Gardens by the Bay (I’m telling this a bit out of chronological order, but bear with me). It is what would happen if Dr. Seuss designed Lothlorien from Lord of the Rings (in a good way). It was only built last fall, but it is an absolute marvel of tropical horticulture in an urban environment. Huge towers covered top to bottom in tropical plants spring up out of the ground, their skeletons made of fuchsia and purple pipes. The effect was like a remote planet from Star Wars, made all the more reminiscent of Luke and Leah’s treetop bear-people experience by a suspension bridge hung between the towers.  

To be continued...

Four Flights and a Wedding, Take 1

I won't even try to apologize for my lack of writing. It's been a long time. I'm still in NYC, still studying English at Columbia. Not much interesting has happened.

Nothing interesting, that is, until now. I am currently writing to you from one of the few air-conditioned rooms in the family home of one of my good Princeton friends, Karen--who is from Singapore. Yup, that's right, Singapore. Tightly controlled, ruggedly humid, insanely mercantile, and blessedly home to one of the most wonderful people in the world and her family (also some of the most wonderful people in the world). Changes to that family, though, are the reason I'm here; well, actually, one change in particular. Let me start at the beginning....

Once upon a time, in the distant land of Singapore, a very special girl was born to two wonderful Christian parents. She grew up to be all a princess should be, and then some: beautiful, kind, intellectually brilliant, firmly committed to God, and a champion swimmer to boot. Then she went to Princeton, where she met an equally brilliant, committed, and handsome Singaporean named Kenneth. Though they were from the opposite side of the tracks (i.e., rival schools), they became friends, then fell in love. And when they announced their engagement, Karen asked one of her best friends, me, to be her bridesmaid. Of course I said yes--not just because a Singaporean wedding sounded like a fun adventure, but also because Karen and her prince were even more perfect together than the two-dimensional Disney animations which initially brought Karen and I together. So on May 19, I boarded a flight from New York to Singapore, and over 25 hours, one yoga session, a nausea-inducing amount of movies, and three United Airlines meals later (producing an effect not altogether dissimilar from the movies), I arrived in the Singapore national airport. ...

A Day in the Life

Ok, I can stand it no longer: action movies seem even stupider when viewed in an airplane without sound, when you can truly see how melodramatically stupid and redundant they are. I have utterly no idea what particular movie it is, but that doesn’t matter; I’ve already seen it, in various parts in all of the other action movies I’ve seen: the dirty, often bloody, crying girl, shirt tantalizingly torn and drooping, crouching behind the tank/jeep while some guerrilla/alien/droid hunts her down; the ship’s mast exploding into smithereens at the impact of some incendiary device, reminiscent of the attack on the Twin Towers; the frantic swim in fiery waters, the heroes’ faces bloodied bruised as they desperately try to reach floating wreckage. Sound familiar?

Yeah, to me too. So instead of paying the extra money for the in-flight movie, I’ll write a blog post instead.  I believe I left off before talking about the philosophy behind Accademia Vivarium Novum. So let me get into some of the logistics. Here’s an example of a characteristic day:

8:00 am—Breakfast. It’s almost always the same: two types of cereal (one plain and reminiscent of corn flakes, the other a chocolate-y one similar to Cocoa Puffs), yogurt, some very manufactured-tasting croissants coming in plastic wrappers, and the ever-present stash of saltines, packaged toast (who would have thought?), and English-style biscuits (translation: crispy sweet cookies typically served with tea). And some days there was even a sweet bundt cake. Overall, not bad (though some days I sorely missed my staple oatmeal).

It seems every European country has its conventional breakfast foods. In England, it’s tomatoes, beans, eggs, sausage, mushrooms, and eggs. In France, it’s baguette slices with nutella or butter somehow cooked into the form of a croissant. In Italy, evidently, or at least in Rome, it’s the packaged croissants, filled with either a sweet custard or a chocolate cream.

Now, perhaps you can hear (or read) a slight tinge of disdain in the above description. But to be fair, whenever throughout the summer I had cause to raise an eyebrow at a particular food, I later discovered that very same dish in a restaurant or cafe in Rome. So we were eating what was very high quality Roman food. Now, if rice with olives, hard-boiled eggs, tomato slices, mozzarella curds, and peas isn’t your cup of tea, well, that’s your problem. But it is, nevertheless, true Italian food.

The reason I dwell on the breakfast food is not simply because I found it sociologically interesting. But it was also important for another reason: when, knowing absolutely no Latin, you are dropped into a world in which you must eat alongside people speaking only Latin, your food becomes very significant—and very interesting in long silences.

9:00 am—Schola begins. Mug of caffeinated tea at the ready, I was initially amazed at the intergalactic pace of the lessons: two chapters of the textbook a day, all in Latin, coupling both grammar and vocabulary. Yet learn we did, due in no small part to the amazingly talented magistrii. Aloisius, the founder, is aided in this by his own former students, who after a year or two at the academy have better Latin than many university professors. After Aloisius, our primary teacher was Gerardus, a twenty-three-year-old Mexican who not only is an expert in Greek, but has a remarkable talent for drawing on chalkboards and acting out Latin texts. Let me just say, his version of the Rape of the Sabines reduced us all to tears—and not on behalf of the women.

Thankfully, the amount of homework declined after the first month, at which time we were finally able to envision afternoon “free time” that was actually “free.” The second (!) textbook was also composed of authentic Latin texts themselves, some simplified, rather than stories of a particular Roman family composed in the twentieth century. Nevertheless, the teaching method remained the same: learning through living. That means not studying grammar charts and vocab lists, but learning them in modo through their incorporation in Latin texts. It’s perhaps a bit difficult for people with an ordered, mathematically wired (for lack of a better description) brain; in fact, the latter is how I tend to learn. But you certainly learn fast the other way! And while, in learning French, my ability to read and speak far outstripped my ability to aurally comprehend, my ability to understand spoken Latin is probably my most developed sense of the language, or perhaps equal to my reading comprehension. So, I guess the method works! We’ll see if I retain anything—and if I can pass Columbia’s exam come fall.

2:00 pm—Lunch. Yes, that’s right, 2 pm, which equals one hungry class discipulorum. But here, as at dinner, we know exactly what to expect. First course: pasta. Invariably. Always pasta. Once in a very infrequent blue moon, perhaps rice. Then a meat dish, with either vegetables on the side or in a third platter.  Warning: in lingua italica, or at least in lingua italica accademiae vivarium novum, potatoes count as a vegetable. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I would be very happy never eating pasta again for the rest of my life. If pesto never crosses my lips again, I think I will be just fine. Now, admittedly, the pasta was good, and varied. Many people I know would rejoice. But when you have it two times a day for two months...

Living Latin?

Salvete! I write to you from deep inside the mosquito-infested neo-Roman world of Accademia Vivarium Novum. Ita, ultimo tempore scripsi multos menses abhinc--Yes, it's been a long time since I've written. And when I did, I was neither covered with mosquito bites, sweating out my pores, nor struggling to master third declension adjectives in the plural genitive case (don't ask...). Yes, these are some odd conjunctions (perhaps not the least of which is the optimism revealed in my use of the plural salutation).

But since arriving in this neoclassical cloister, I have encountered many odd conjunctions. I came here slightly over a month and a half ago to learn Latin. I have to learn it for Columbia (and for, well, life), and, let's face it, an intensive Latin course at CUNY  (City University of New York) simply didn't measure up to the potential of an eight-week immersive program in Rome. Any opportunity to get out of the city is okay by me.

But I'm afraid I wasn't perfectly informed of what exactly I signed up for (yes, that's a preposition completing the sentence, but I can't come up with a better form). For one thing, when they said "immersive," they weren't kidding. Who knew that a place exists where everyone speaks Latin 24/7; where every year twenty teenagers live, eat, and breathe Latin, taught by perhaps the most accomplished speaking Latinist in the world; where even such modern technologies as the internet are translated into a "dead" language? Yes, such a place exists, about 5 miles outside of Rome. During the school year, Accademia Vivarium Novum is essentially a boarding school for boys from all around world, rigorously selected for a free year of classical education. The summer, though, is largely devoted to transient Latin learners like myself: students, priests, Latin teachers, people with nothing better to do with their time. For two months, we too live, eat, and breathe Latin (Although I confess, I have not gotten to the point of thinking in Latin: today my roommate almost walked in on me unexpectedly and I cried, "Wait! Give me a minute!" As if that means anything to my Mexican, Latin-speaking roommate...). The founder really tries consciously to create a humanist enclave reminiscent of the 16th-century. So we have very little free time at all, and even less during which we can exit our walled enclosure. During the school year, I'm told, the students live an EXTREME ascetic lifestyle: no heat, no breakfast aside from packaged toast slices, no sugar, no light, almost no opportunities to leave. It's tough--to the point where around half of the students leave permanently each year around Christmas. But for those who survive, they testify to friendships that transcend everything, to an education that surpasses everything, and to an institutional loyalty that withstands everything. We summer people have it easier; after all, we're paying to come here. We at least have options at breakfast, the lights work, and the main schoolroom has air conditioning (97 degrees today...). But we to are submerged in a captivating philosophy of humanist education, where a lesson on Aeneas' treatment of Dido is transformed into a gut-wrenching examination of the human condition. I have rarely gone to lunch so pensively depressed...

TBC...

The Jealous Listener

By a Lovesick Musician in Scholarly Garb

Love me, Song!

Reach your fragrant armés long

past she who would entwine her eyes, her lips, her tongue

in the soul to me you’ve sung.

Sing your spice to me instead!

Our souls will meet and there they’ll wed:

The air itself will flee for fear

Of making our rare good less dear,

and, fleeing from our spinning whole,

expel that lifeless rossignol.

Then our transmigrated souls

will leave these false, most nether poles

for that to which aromas rise

far above dissembled skies,

Composing still our scentful strain,

Defying all who would contain

the essence of our sweet refrain

and keep my tears from having rain.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Library

[WARNING: The opening to this post involves a meta-commentary on my blogging efforts. Please skip if meta- is not your style.]


Please allow me to apologize for the extreme duration of time between this post and the last. I was reminded of this fact only two seconds ago, when I opened up blog application to behold a timeline of posts and views that was, well, slightly anemic (no, Google, I DON'T like a function which only reminds me of my own inadequacy).


But in my defense, there are several legitimate reasons for my technological siesta. First, and most boringly, there were academic pressures. Second, there were some health issues that distracted me to the point where blogging seemed inane, if not outright utterly trivial and inconsequential.


But perhaps the most significant reason for my absence was simply a lack of knowledge of how to proceed. As those of you who have read my last post will understand, I have struggled with how to reconcile the habitual tenor of my posts--part anthropological, part sociological, part theological, part whatever happens to be on my mind--with the realization that I cannot reduce people to types, and cities to impersonal piles of brick and refuse. I am still unsure about how to approach this issue. But I have decided to attempt such a reconciliation anyway.


Accordingly, with each post I will make a conscious effort to incorporate real, living, breathing people--likely even with names! This has the benefit not only of trying to bring people into posts, but justifying my own deficiencies: literary sketches or vignettes are much easier for me to write than actual narratives of any length.


[NON-META PEOPLE: You may now begin reading. :) ]


Allow me, therefore, to introduce Nick. I think that is really his name. Why do I suppose this? Well, for one thing, my memory may actually be accurate. But even more predictively, Nick is Greek. As anyone who has ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding can tell you--and anyone who has met the extended Maragos clan--over half the population of Greece seems to be populated by people named Nick or Nikki. I cannot explain why. Wikipedia informs me that St. Nicholas (or Nicolaus) is the patron saint of the Greek navy, military, AND merchant (talk about comprehensive!); consequently, St. Nicholas day "is marked by festivities aboard all ships and boats, at sea and in port." Frankly, that seems rather convenient. Sure, go ahead and make a holiday centered around a saint claimed by almost every person the country! But then again, we have Christmas, so what can I say? 

Anyway, enough about St. Nicholas. I still don't know why every person in Greece is named Nick or Nikki. But I do know that one Nick in particular owns the business which stocks the vending machines in Union Theological Seminary.

Despite the apparent institutional disjuncture, this is by far my favorite place to study at Columbia. Butler Library, where most of my books live, more often resembles an acute case of architectural dengue fever than a place for quiet intellectual pursuits. The odious rash, in this metaphor, is the myriads of students who cover its neoclassical skin. Now, ostensibly, the presence of said "students" in this building suggests they mean to study there, but don't be fooled: they don't. Only about 50% of the students occupying Butler's seats are actually engaged in serious academic projects. The rest are, in order of provenance, facebooking, web surfing, emailing, updating music libraries, and--most irritatingly--exchanging funny links with adjacent friends, resulting in pseudo-stifled giggling that they somehow imagine leaves the library's original purpose unadulterated. It doesn't.

Perhaps I must revise my earlier description, though; upon further reflection, I think the most irritating thing about Butler Library is people leaving their stuff unattended at desks for hours on end when there are absolutely no free seats for those who actually want to work! One would surmise that a library of six floors would have enough seats for its would-be occupants. It doesn't. Several times I have traversed every single floor looking for an open place--only to come up empty-desked. That is the point when I want to shake the body of some giggling, facebook-worshipping undergrad and scream, "JUST GO HOME, WILL YOU?"

Sorry, I just had to get that out off my chest.

Anyway, so I don't work at Butler. Instead, I go to Burke, the Union Theological Seminary library. Thanks to some undefined relationship, Burke is under the same system as the Columbia libraries , so Columbia students are free to enter, borrow books, use the computers, etc. And study in the marvelous reading room flooded with stained-glass-tinted light, provided with a panoramic view of the seminary's central courtyard, and, most importantly, free of procrastinating undergrads! :)

But I didn't meet Nick in the library. I met Nick on my way back from lunch, as I stopped to augment my packed lunch with a chilled Diet Pepsi Cherry soda. He was restocking the beverage machines, but he wasn't the person I had been doing it before, and he certainly didn't seem like some fly-by-night hourly wage worker just counting down the minutes until his shift ended. No, he was older, probably mid- to late-fifties, well-groomed, with an athletic build, collared shirt, an air of assurance and confidence--and a face that is a spitting image of my thesis advisor (if the latter were Greek instead of English).

Somehow, we got talking, and before I knew it, I was having an intense discussion about the Greek debt crisis with a mid-fifties entrepreneur whom I had never met before. He shared how the Greek system is founded on a principle of entitlement, how there was no need to work hard in college or think ambitiously, since everyone with a college degree was practically guaranteed a place in the government bureaucracy.

The conversation was fascinating, but the most fascinating part of it was Nick's situation relative to the country he described. Our conversation, if I remember right, began in the most mundane manner possible, with me remarking something about the change slot, and his responding with a comment on how to load the bottles into the machine. It took patience, he said, in order to load them so that you didn't cut your thumb on the metal shelf. Too many people, he said, rush through it, and end up with bleeding fingers; these people aren't interested in the best way to do something, merely the quickest way.

But then there's Nick, sleeves rolled up, carefully dressed, patiently loading the machine despite the fact that I can't help but imagine such work is beneath him, as owner of the company. He was the farthest thing from a fly-by-night machine loader, but here he was, performing a service one would think below him (presumably because of some scheduling mix-up) with the dignity and care of a delicate artist.

As we talked, I discovered that this conscientiousness was by no means uncharacteristic. His English, while accented, was impeccable, and interspersed with a vocabulary that many of my native English-speaking friends don't have. Who would imagine, then, that this was the very same person who arrived in New York City decades ago completely alone, speaking no English, and with only $50 in his pocket, at the age of 15? Through sheer hard work, Nick graduated from Columbia with a master's degree, and expanded his start-up beverage business to the point where he has multiple employees serving under him. He seems to know every Greek in the city, and rubs shoulders with some of the biggest merchants on the Upper West Side. More importantly, Nick remains as mentally astute and diligent as he was all those years ago. Well, except for not anticipating that I would not accept the proposal for a date from a person probably older than my father--flattered, but not even his wrong, yet complimentary assumption that I was European could make me go that far.

Nick, then, inspired me. We hear so little about "the American Dream" nowadays; when we do, it is primarily in a nostalgic sense, or even derisive, as an unrealistic illusion antithetical to our modern society plagued with social inequality, an education gap, and an increasing level of debt. But when I meet people like Nick, when I see people who have escaped a culture of poverty and complacency reach a level that is solidly middle-class (at least), I can't help but feel my hope rekindled: that Horatio Alger isn't altogether dead, that hard work and intelligence does mean something, that the Slough of Economic Despond is not impassible.

I saw Nick again a few days ago, months after our encounter. I don't think he recognized me, but I did him; I couldn't help but smile and be encouraged. I know that his situation is far different from Johanna's and others' facing hardship in this city. But as we crossed eachother at 111th and Broadway, my arms laden with bridal shower packages, his swinging swiftly with the brisk air of purpose, I said a prayer that the person holding out a styrofoam cup to passers-by on the very same corner would one day walk with the same stride as Nick: confident, assured, and full of hopeful possibilities.

Dear Johanna

I cannot think of my first post without shame. In it, I described New York city as a tourist would: its sights, sounds, smells--all described with the detached voyeurism of an observer free to enter and exit its borders with impunity. Well, today showed me how wrong, how incredibly wrong, I was. New York is no longer faceless. It has a name, it has a face; her name is Johanna.  [NB: For reasons which will become clear, I have changed the names in this post].

And I cannot forget her. I close my eyes and I see hers, deep blue, huge in her thin, lined face; her smile---dissembling, in that only after two or three seconds do you realize its radiance is not that of joy, but of pain, and a despairing resignation to its inevitability. Then the reddened gums seem as bloody emblems of that pain, hopelessness bleeding starkly into the whiteness of her teeth. Then her smile reveals itself to match her eyes, and within their deep chasms is a like pain, a like pleading for something that, she hopes, you can give. 

I simply cannot write this as a typical blog post. It's too raw, too real, too unworthy of being placed alongside my others. I will only say that Johanna was sitting on the step a few buildings away from mine; no, not sitting, cowering. Her head was hid in her hands, a red coat sprawled across her knees for warmth. On the arm shielding her face, I could see a hunk of cotton gauze protruding from underneath her sleeve, sloppily taped to an arm far too insufficient for cover. She was crying. I stopped, and asked what has to be the stupidest question of all time, "Are you all right?" 

Of course she wasn't. I think part of me wanted her to say she was. Part of me wanted her to shoo me away, absolve me of any responsibility, leave me free to finish my run and stretch in perfect contentment, having at least showed the "decent" level of compassion by stopping in the first place.

When she raised her eyes, I saw the deep purple bruise, deep enough, bright enough, and even enough to be mistaken for some shade of horrid eyeshadow--except it was only on one eye. She closed her eyes, bit her lower lip, and shook her head. I sat down next to her, and another girl my age, seeing us, stopped, turned, and asked me kindly what was happening. Angela. We asked Johanna if there was anyone we could call, but she was unable to remember any number; each time she tried, and failed, she would lower her face to her coat and begin crying again. She had no family in the city, she said, and friends--well, she could not stay with friends; she had to go back. He wouldn't like it if she didn't.

We learned that she had walked tens of blocks from where she lived with her boyfriend. But she couldn't say what I already knew, what I guessed from the bruise on her eye and those on her arms. She didn't have to. "He, he, he,..." I will never forget the way she looked in my eyes, telling me more clearly than she could have with words what exactly he had done. I answered her in the same fashion; I knew. "He's not a bad guy, he's not a bad guy, he's a good guy..." 

Mindful of the advancing cold, Angela suggested going to the cathedral half a block away. Surely, a church--a  cathedral--would be able to provide some support, if only in the way of a blanket and some telephone numbers. Johanna was hesitant. She explained that she was alcoholic; her boyfriend was too. But both things were said as if she were a living contagion herself, a plague that no one would want to see, much less care for.  Every week saw another relapse, every week hopes dashed, her alcoholic pit becoming ever and ever deeper.

I cannot help but feel contempt for myself when I say that I saw a bit of myself in her when she said these words. How often have I despaired over the very same sin, cried out to God with the very same lament as a few days before? How often have I accepted my sin as irredeemable, disdaining God's power to transform and sanctify? Yet I told Johanna, my hand rubbing her back, that I too was broken, and relied on God to bring me through--as He always does. Yet I say I feel contempt, that I, a broken yet thoroughly privileged vessel, could compare my pain with hers, her whose face showed years of facing an utter impossibility, drained of the youthful bravado and naive optimism that such impossibilities exist only to be negated.

Yet I still cannot believe how the Holy Spirit used my poor attempt at comfort to stir something within her soul. "God, God, that's what I need. That's what I need, isn't it?" Yes, I told her, that's what we need. 

I desperately poured through my brain for scripture passages that would help at this moment. Forgoing other, much more relevant verses that would only emerge after a fifteen-second delay, I said the verse was from Isaiah. "I know what verse you're going to say," Johanna said, with a sad, mocking smile. But she couldn't remember. Jeremiah. Jeremiah what? Jeremiah...Jeremiah 14:29. I don't know that particular verse, I said; the one I was thinking of was Isaiah 40:31: "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." I quoted it to her, and for the first time her smile seemed, perhaps, to be one of joy. She asked me to write it down, but I didn't have anything to write with, much less on. 

I asked her if she would like me to call my pastor, who is in charge of my church's mercy ministry; I was sure he would know some resources for her. To my unbelieving surprise, Johanna nodded eagerly, and Angela stayed with her while I went to get my phone. But I didn't have his number, only that of the other pastor, who wasn't answering. No one was answering. I called everyone I knew from the church in my contacts list, widening the net more and more, getting farther and farther removed from my goal, just to find someone who had his number, or someone who had someone who had his number. No one answered. 

I returned to Johanna and Angela--the former, with a Coors Light in hand. She must have had it hidden in the folds of her coat, and was drinking desperately, as if it was the one motion that she knew how to do. But even this was beyond her grasp. She dropped the can, spilling the noxious stuff all over the sidewalk. It ran down from step to step, dripping, dripping, each drop, I thought, a bit of life ebbing further away from the figure in front of me. Drip. Drip.

Finally, one of my friends called back, and we began contact calling for the golden number. Right before my phone died, we got it. But it was then I realized all our efforts had been in vain: even if we did get the number, it wouldn't matter; the pastor was at that very moment leading a church service that had started ten minutes  before.  

It was then my turn to wait, as Angela went to her apartment to drop off her things, brew a cup of tea, and grab a small bit of food. While she was gone, I asked Johanna if she would like me to read to her from the Bible I had brought out with me. She nodded, and I turned to the Psalms. I explained how I often turned to them in my own despair, and began reading with a passage I thought she might find familiar. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; he leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." You are with me. They comfort me. 

Somewhere in the midst of the Psalm, Johanna fell asleep. 

Angela returned, but we still didn't know what to do. We could not leave Johanna. We couldn't even take her somewhere. I had suggested earlier going to the church itself; she had tried, willing her bird-like frame vertical. But all it did was throw her emaciated legs, the brown stains on her pants--from her bloody nose, she said--into starker relief. She couldn't walk the ten blocks to the church; she couldn't even stand. 

And the cathedral--what would Jesus say? How he would cry to think that the most a building made to worship Him could offer was a black-and-white pamphlet with local food banks, and a woman's dismissive suggestion that we try dialing 3-1-1, the NYC government information and services; "good luck" trying to get a hold of anyone at any of the decent shelters, she told Angela. I nearly wept. 

While Johanna slept, Angela and I deliberated. In the end, I was sent to my church to find someone, anyone, to help, while Angela stayed with Johanna, outside in the freezing cold. But the service was already in progress, and the pastor had already begun his sermon. How cruel, the irony that a woman's life may be hanging in the balance, and the only help I could think couldn't, because he was preaching. I sat on the steps leading into the sanctuary, hearing his voice mercilessly echo off the Gothic arches. It is no exaggeration: each reverberation wrung my increasing angst yet one degree tighter.

Just when I was about to give in and despair, some other people came, people who gave me some local contacts. Yet they urged me in this case to dial emergency medical services, in order to ascertain that Johanna hadn't sustained a concussion or internal injuries. My phone having long since died, I used my roommate's to call Angela and give her the news; she would call 9-1-1, and see that Johanna was given the care and information we could offer. 

After the service ended a few minutes later, the pastor dropped everything and came with me back to my street, and to Johanna and Angela. But we were too late. Johanna was already loaded into the ambulance, and there was no one around. Angela had called to tell me that the paramedics had arrived and taken Johanna in their care; there was nothing more for her to do, so she had gone. But I couldn't see anyone now. The lights were flashing, I could Johanna's unconscious head lying on a bed, through the window. But there was no one in the cab, no people to ask to tell me how she was, what I could do. I presume the paramedics were in the back with her, but I couldn't see them. Once again she was trapped, it seemed, once again lost to the world with no one to help her. 

The pastor said he would stay for a few minutes, hoping that someone would emerge from the ambulance. I realized there was nothing I could do; the paramedics couldn't even tell Angela to which hospital they were taking Johanna.  

So I left. I left, to prepare the party I was hosting at my apartment, the party where we would eat, drink, laugh, joke; where we would do all the things that good Ph.D. students are supposed to do in lieu of a proper, scorned Super Bowl celebration. And it would last longer than two hours, longer than the time I spent with Johanna. As it was supposed to do. As I supposed to do.

As people are supposed to do.